Un-decorating our tree on “that terrible thing called January 2nd"
"Amazed" by Lonestar catches in my throat still (2021) because it seems to capture the feelings in my heart, especially as I re-read what I wrote in my journals. (It was the number one country song of the year in 1999). Check it out here
In our new favorite Christmas cartoon, Noel , the little red ornament has a happiness when he is created, and then becomes happiness, "the pure unadulterated joy of Christmas!"
Jan 4, 1999 We ventured out on the first Monday of the new year. It was very cold, but we went to visit this red caboose at the Apex Chamber of Commerce. We found out we could do a Birthday Party inside that very caboose AND a train went by while we were there too!
1/5/99 A macaroni and cheese lunch picnic with Mommy.
Sunday, Jan 10, 1999 “Daddy, Do you remember all the icicles falling off the trees?” your intonation so sweet and precious as you sat together in “Grammy’s" room, waking up happily talking and singing.
Journal entry for 7 am, January 25, 1999 "Daddy's 49th Birthday. He left a few minutes ago for a trip to CA and then NY... You have grown so much, and learned so much, and I am continually amazed by how fast you learn and enjoy new things. I love seeing you explore and hearing you laugh, and even hearing you ask "why" repeatedly. You, my dear, are AWESOME! Thanks for being YOU!!Love you, Mommy xo"
Jan 28, 1999 You woke at 2:30 am asking: “Where’s my blankie? Can you help me find my blankie, Mommy?” 5:30 am came down all alone and sat on the floor. I scooped you up in my arms and we fell asleep on the couch together until 7 am.
Feb 2, 1999 Hanging from your favorite tree
Feb 5 1999
Feb 28, 1999
Puddle jumping
We were in a store at the mall (Thurs Feb 25,
1999) and you picked up a book on a display and said “this is your book Mommy”. It was One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I have been reading it and thoroughly soaking it in since
November 25 1998, took it on vacation to CT Dec 5-14, have moved it around the
house countless times, so of course you have seen it, but I never thought about
you actually noticing. It took me by surprise and touched me that you not only take notice of my life, but also mirror it back to me. I loved the way you said: “Here’s your book, Mommy.” Thank you, for everything.
I was very near the end of the book – and had been for several days because it is such an important topic: Unconditional love. You and I have shared unconditional love since before you were born, but it has taken me years to realize... You spoke
volumes to me the night you looked at me and said “God is in your heart, Mommy.” Thank you for being willing, open, totally free, letting God flow through you, your hands, your eyes, your words. Thank you, God for speaking to me through this gentle, loving human being. I listen, I hear, I
understand and yet I ache with fear and anger and frustration.... and then, I look at you and all is well. 
March 8, 1999
March 8, 1999What
an incredible gift, the expression of your LOVE... you used to like to pretend to be charters from the Magic School Bus, some times Ralphie, and sometimes Dorothy Ann. One time you held a little parenting book I got as a gift
from Lori Skelton and say: ‘according to my research" - I wonder if I still have that picture somewhere
March 9, 1999 “I can’t believe it’s SNOWING!!”
on Aunt Karen's Birthday no less! :)
on Aunt Karen's Birthday no less! :) 3/10/99 “no silly” ~ 5 pm You keep saying the cutest things. Like, “you’re kind of sweet” from the Magic School Bus episode “Meets Molly Cule” and from your heart, of course.
Dear God, Thank you for all of the many things for which I
am so very grateful, especially this angel/companion. Thank you
for their health, beauty, wisdom and wit. I so loved hearing you say again today, “God is in my heart and God Loves me.” I am
grateful for the health of all of my family members, Angie too. Thank you for
this home, our fire place and for every moment I am blessed with the gift of
snuggling your precious child. Dear God, Please help me to be aware of this peace
and gratitude always. Peace, joy, serenity and how wonderfully you communicate through us.
March 14, 1999 We have conversations and I am filled with gratitude for this treasure from God in front of me who is a lovely guide. For example, I asked: “What do you need?” You answered: “A hug” Then I said I need a hug too and you yelled:
“No! I need A HUG!!” I know your frustration, I do. And I am sorry for the tendency I have to make it about me, when it is something you need xoxox
March 16, 1999: I love the
way you plopped then curled herself up into the chair in the far corner
of the den after your nap yesterday to look out the two windows. That chair is right there. Whatever
people call it these days, it’s really just learning to trust my own instincts.
March 17, 1999: I am so
grateful, but sometimes I forget to stay motivated. I need to use joy and hope
as a motivator – share it, live it, enjoy it! Interestingly enough, I stopped
in the middle of my daily reading of Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie to write here and now
I see the connection. Today’s topic, Cherish Hope: “Hope, our hearts, our souls, need a good
glimpse of it every so often just to keep us going” (78).
Reptile and Amphibian Day at Museum of Natural Sciences
“It’s beautiful, I like touching creatures. I touched a
snake and a turtle and the best thing
I touched was a salamander that was
little!”
March 18, 1999 – You were quite nearly 3 years old before your first real flu L 3/19/99 Pedipops helped some, but you were still not feeling well when Grammy arrived to visit you for your 3rd Birthday:
Friday, Mar 26 – We were going to have a big “friends” party
for you, but everyone cancelled except Katelynn. Everyone was either sick or
afraid of getting sick. Oh well, we made the best of it. I love the dress from Gram and the pin from
Katelynn.
March 27th – Magic School Bus Live at Carolina
Theater J
“Really Great” ~ EKM
The waterfalls and water fountains, the theater, the
seats, the show, the kids, EVERYTHING!!
Sunday, March 28th – Katelynn’s 3rd
Birthday Party at Kids Town
April 2nd
“Daddy, can you help me fix the computer? I've got my screwdriver.”
April 3rd – colored Easter eggs
April 4th – You asked me to sing to while at Food Lion and the song in the background was “In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson "It’s like being lost
in Heaven when I’m lost in your eyes….” I used to sing it to you when you were a baby... I wonder if you "remembered"?
4/4/99 4pm "Nature never ceases to amaze me." No kidding - you spoke these exact words - and I love it!! Not sure where we were at the time - but at 4:40 we were at a new gymnastics class doing introductions with Miss Heather & Miss Rhonda and everyone was asked their name and favorite fruit and you said yours was grapefruit! :)
April 8th – First ever visit to the dentist. Dr.
Rob Moran – and you did great!! J
April 9, 1999 – Another beautiful, adventurous, fun day
together. We went to Duke Gardens early, so it was not too crowded or too hot
yet. Then, right about lunch time, we drove to Francesca’s Dessert Caffe on
Ninth Street; an ice cream cone for you and a chai for me. Later, garden time and a salamander.
April 10, 1999 THE ESSENCE OF A NEW
DAY
"This is a
beginning of a new day.
You have been given
this day to use as you will.
You can waste it or
use it for good.
What you do today is
important
because you are
exchanging a day of your life for it.
When tomorrow comes,
this day will be gone forever;
in its place is
something that you have left behind…
let it be something
good."
Monday morning 5/24/99 Thank you, God, for sleep, dreams, my comfortable bed, and our cozy home.
Thank you for the overcast sky today which is also beautiful, cool and a much
needed break for all living things. Thank you for the wind through the wind
chimes. Thank you for my health, my husband, and my husband’s health. Dear God,
ease his pain and reveal to him the truth about who he really
is. Lift his burden, day by day, dear
God, and please show me how I can help. Amen.
I am so very grateful for you in my life. I ask, dear
God, to be helped and then you remind me so often to play and just BE with you, and
yet I wander off in so many directions that I drive myself crazy. Why? Can I just let it
all go without knowing or figuring out or anything? How do I give myself permission to fully Enjoy this day? I am so grateful that you are so healthy and strong in
every way. Angie really poked you hard last while I was running in and out
trying to get dinner for Dave while also trying to share a picnic with you. He was washing his car and you went to check on Daddy when I went in
to get something. While you and I were sitting the blanket finishing our picnic, you kept asking
me, “Is he done yet?” I wonder, do you also ask God that question, as you sit alone
sometimes while I do “just one more thing”?
I saw your teddy bear out in the sandbox yesterday afternoon and again this am as I opened the window
blinds and it reminded me to do the same: Sit peacefully, with you, Teddy, and the sand – staying fully present. No phone. No watering
or weeding the garden. All is ok. There is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do. You
are enough. Peace. Be Still.
This picture was taken on June 11, 1999 at Jonathan's High School Graduation. Shortly after it was taken, you went off to play under the bleachers and in the pole vault pit – just like Mommy J and the buttons on the dress started coming off. I wrote in my journal that perhaps I would iron it with love and place it in a special box with a note of love from Mom xoxoxo
This picture was taken on June 11, 1999 at Jonathan's High School Graduation. Shortly after it was taken, you went off to play under the bleachers and in the pole vault pit – just like Mommy J and the buttons on the dress started coming off. I wrote in my journal that perhaps I would iron it with love and place it in a special box with a note of love from Mom xoxoxo
June 22, 1999 I am
grateful for you in my life, the joy and wisdom of being, all your sacred spots, "Everyday Edens, " or “special spots” – I am inspired to write our story, of course, know that this is just my perspective.
1st year of preschool - so this must have been your first ever school picture
1st year of preschool - so this must have been your first ever school picture
I'll fill in the summer months eventually, but in the meantime... this should hold the place well :)
Sept 4, 1999 Acting out your favorite Shel Silverstein poem :)
Sept 4, 1999 Acting out your favorite Shel Silverstein poem :)
Maddie Parrish's Birthday party, the day you first met Ginger. For the next 6 years, you had Ginger, at our home for your Birthday :) This photo does not show the incredible love and enthusiasm experienced on that day, but we know :)
9/13/99 12:40pm you said: “I wish I could be a fish and jump in that
lake and swim under water”
9/15/99 “I wish that I could be… an angel.” Me: Why do you
want to be an angel?
“So I can fly! I could fly … all the way to Connecticut.. if
I didn’t fall…” While we were sitting on the cedar chest in “Grammy’s Room”
looking out the window. Then we hung the curtain rod and pretty green curtains.
Sept 20, 1999 While watching The Living Sea: “Hey Mom, I swam with those fish before. Those are
jellyfish!” “That’s a stingray, an underwater butterfly!”
October 22, 1999 “Two Hands Two Eyes" You were the first to say that on the way to
preschool one day – As I re-read my journal, I
realized what it took me so long to figure out at the time. You were in no hurry to go to school. You were, after all, only 3
and ½ and the whole thing made no sense to me either. I think you knew that J
11/2/99 “I’m hatching” Me: What are you? “A bird. This basket is an egg. Now I want to be a dinosaur…a baby
alligator”
I still love the story that goes with this picture, so when I scanned the journal page for the picture, I kept the words I'd written in my journal. 11/30/99 What a cute little story goes with this photo. We set up the Christmas tree and began putting the lights on. You lay down beneath and said: "Look! I'm a present!"
Dec 3, 1999 - It was 8 pm, your bed time, but I surprised you and took both hands and looked in those gorgeous eyes of yours and said "I have a surprise. There's a Charlie Brown and Snoopy Christmas special coming on now and you get to watch it." You went and found your Pooh throw and got cozy on the floor. That touched me so purely that I stopped what I was doing (working on Andrew's 21st Birthday album), sat down on the floor and held you in my arms for the entire show. At one point, I was going to get up for something, but you squeezed so lovingly I decided whatever it was could wait. Thank you for enjoying that show with me. I do believe it was the perfect way to celebrate the start of the Christmas season.
You had SO much fun playing in the packing material from the DESKS!!! Grammy & Grandpa sent us, and the desks were perfect!!! Santa brought a bike and roller skates and a butterfly net :)
I did a great deal of deleting and purging of what was written in my journals regarding your father, and as I reached the end of this one and realized how perfectly this song, popular in 1999, fit the situation in which WE (I finally realize 29 Dec 2021) were living at the time. "Believe" by Cher
I did a great deal of deleting and purging of what was written in my journals regarding your father, and as I reached the end of this one and realized how perfectly this song, popular in 1999, fit the situation in which WE (I finally realize 29 Dec 2021) were living at the time. "Believe" by Cher
No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough, Now
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough, Now
What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you ...
I now believe in love after love. It is ALL love, or a cry for love.
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