January 2002 – One day when you were from school, we napped together like we used to... Afterward, you asked about the Angel Cards on my desk. We each chose one. Yours was “purpose” mine was “play”. You asked if we could trade and if you could bring yours to school. The next day when I picked you up, I asked if you still had it. You said “no” – you'd had given it to someone who needed it more than you did. A friend whose Mommy was in the Army and away fighting in the war. Wow. Just wow! I love this human being so much xoxoxo
Birthday was fun - even though you had school - it was the first one that I didn't spend the entire day together, but! I did go and have lunch with you, and surprised you by picking you up at your classroom, where we began making a video to bring to Grammy and Grandpa next week.
Saturday was, of course, a blast! We did sort of a western theme Birthday celebration, complete with pony rides, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, leprechaun punch (sherbet and soda).
Monday we went to the museum in Durham with the butterfly house and spent the entire day! 10am-4pm!! When we returned home, the butterflies we had been "growing" had emerged completely. So cool - you played with them for quite a while in the morning and then we watched tv, did projects, science experiments, made jello eggs, went grocery shopping, played with Katelynn and then had science class 4-5pm. Boy did WE keep "busy."
But! Still taking time out to kiss a few frogs. You know the deal, kiss a frog, it turns into a handsome prince? Not my kid:
July 2, 2002 "Life is Freedom" you said, particularly wonderful considering my thoughts at that moment were about $ because I thought I'd lost my wallet at a rest stop on our way through Connecticut." I later found it under a bunch of things in the car, but not before calling to cancel my cards. oh well :/
October 1, 2002 - More than 12 years later - it is STILL heartbreaking to hear this song in the context of what was written in my journals... but at least now (Nov 6, 2014) I can finally forgive myself for trying so hard, for "failing", for waiting so long, for holding on so long, for letting go, for think I was less than or not "enough". This song was and is so incredibly poignant ... from the first words "Hold on. Hold on to your heart." to the last ... "this is gonna hurt like hell." Sarah McLachlan - Hold On
Journal entry: "stillness is what I crave right now. I love Josh Groban's voice "...deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak... can it be that you are my forever love and you are watching over me from up above... fly me up to where you are... I wish upon tonight to see you smile. A breath away's not far from where you are... and isn't faith believing all power can't be seen? As my heart holds you, just one beat away... fly me up to where you are beyond the distance star... if only for awhile to know you're there. A breath away's not far to where you are."
Now this feels like such a prayer for all that has happened since... we were both struggling during this time, and Mrs. Ward was a tough teacher. I wanted to pull you out of Baucom and get you into a Magnet school or Montessori, but without the support and help of your father, it was just too much. I asked what kind of school you would really like and you said: "Centers - all day. Math." In hindsight, Montessori might have been best, but ...
Oct 8, 2002 most recent book of Virtues favorite is "Moderation" - It is a book on tape you listen to before going to sleep. My journal entry for this evening was about how a "C" in Mrs. Ward's class for you was a great thing, especially 5 in a row! A whole week!!! But for me, from Dr. English, it felt crippling and I was looking forward to my research paper so that "I can have a foundation on which to build." :)
<-- Ritsa Mallous :)
April 2002 – Earth Day
“Touch the
earth, love the earth, her plains, her valleys, her hills, and her seas; rest
your spirit in her solitary places. ~ Henry Beston
Friday, April 26th I
finally had one of those 8am-2pm all to myself days. Just enough time to know I
need some more. It takes me so long to figure out what it is I want/need to do.
May 14, 2002 : What a gorgeous
day! I treated myself to Café Driade after going to Admission office at UNC
Chapel Hill. Next step, check other school for Fall 2002 or Spring 2003
admission.
Wed May 15, 2002 Meredith
College Cricket McCoy in Admissions
June trip to Florida, Dave for work conference, you and I went to Sea World, all of us to shuttle launch and Dave's parent's house in Titusville.
June 7, 2002
"Mommy, last night I had a dream. We were outside and I saw Sunkist! and I caught her in my net... in our own backyard." One of the many dreams you have been sharing with me lately - here's another: "Mommy, last night, I had a dream. It was about Uncle Kenny. He called me downstairs to see lots of fireflies!"
A sign at the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex read "... it takes a nation of hearts, souls and minds all reaching for the stars." Another one: "History is not being made, Destiny is being embraced." reminded me of something I overheard you saying to another kid at the pool one day. We also enjoyed EPCOT - you called it "apricot". I think you did it because it made me smile, but maybe not... When we were nearly home from the long car ride, you woke from a nap and said: "Don't forget, we live just under the power line." When I told you were an awesome traveler, you said: "We are an awesome team!"
June trip to Florida, Dave for work conference, you and I went to Sea World, all of us to shuttle launch and Dave's parent's house in Titusville.
June 7, 2002
"Mommy, last night I had a dream. We were outside and I saw Sunkist! and I caught her in my net... in our own backyard." One of the many dreams you have been sharing with me lately - here's another: "Mommy, last night, I had a dream. It was about Uncle Kenny. He called me downstairs to see lots of fireflies!"
A sign at the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex read "... it takes a nation of hearts, souls and minds all reaching for the stars." Another one: "History is not being made, Destiny is being embraced." reminded me of something I overheard you saying to another kid at the pool one day. We also enjoyed EPCOT - you called it "apricot". I think you did it because it made me smile, but maybe not... When we were nearly home from the long car ride, you woke from a nap and said: "Don't forget, we live just under the power line." When I told you were an awesome traveler, you said: "We are an awesome team!"
July 2, 2002 "Life is Freedom" you said, particularly wonderful considering my thoughts at that moment were about $ because I thought I'd lost my wallet at a rest stop on our way through Connecticut." I later found it under a bunch of things in the car, but not before calling to cancel my cards. oh well :/
July 6-8 Baltimore, MA including National Aquarium and Duck Tours
Wednesday July 10, 2002 Grammy took us to pick raspberries and blueberries!! gorgeous, delicious and wonderful fun!! Then swimming in Aunt Sue's pool with Matthew. Later we went into Watch Hill and you rode the carousel with your cousin Joey - we sure did pack in many things when we visited.
Thursday, July 11, 2002 Oh the joy of having such a magnificent travel companion! Everyone else went out early this morning and you slept until after 8 am so I had the opportunity to sit quietly and write. Later we got lobsters from "BriBri the lobster guy" and went for a walk on the the beach.
July 12, 2002 - Your first donut :) chose it from the breakfast bar at The Days Inn Mystic and liked it a lot but said "but messy - could I have some milk?"
July 13, 2002 - My 41st Birthday
Tuesday, July 16, 2002 8:30 am departure from Mystic Residence Inn
On the way home from that trip I listened to the CD I made for Dave for our anniversary - 13 tracks for t 13 years together. Track 1 for year 1 - 1989 - had to be Eternal Flame by the Bangles. That was our song, but it was not our destiny Track 2 - "He Talks to Me" by Lorrie Morgan. I remember listening to that on our boat that year (1990) and it was so important to me and now I realize how much I missed that when he stopped.... Track 3 "All I Have" by Beth Nielson Chapman reminds me of our wedding day 16 Aug 1991. Track 4 was fitting for the year we went back to RI/CT and sailed our boat back to VA. "True Companion" sadly, when I listen to it now, I don't think of us as true companion, I think of how desperately I wanted one....
Track 5 - Pavillon memories "It's in Every One of Us"
Track 6 - 1995 "The Power of Love" was honestly much more about being pregnant than being in love with Dave in that way" "The sound of your heart beating... sometimes I'm frightened, but I'm ready to learn about the power of love"
"Seeds" oh what can I say about "Seeds" by Kathy Mattea, 1996 and our transition to North Carolina...
"...and I 'm standing at a crossroads once again, I'm reminded we're all the same when we begin... but where we land is sometimes fertile soil, and sometimes sand. We're all just seeds in God's hands."
"Butterfly Kisses" is another beautiful song that I thought would have more of an impact on the healing of our family than it did. With new eyes, I see that is much too much to expect from a song, and what I really wanted was for him to know my heart. I thought I was spelling things out pretty clearly.
Especially with the next song. "I Love You" by Sarah McLachlan is an incredibly sad aching...
Track 12 was "Forever Young" included to commemorate his 50th Birthday.
The 13th, "Treat Me Like a Stranger" by Baillie and the Boys pretty much my last ditch effort :(
As I re-read my journal from that summer, I realized that it was while I was preparing to return to college that my ex decided it was time to put our house on Sarabande on the market because he wanted the house in Hadden Hall. I wrote: "What's a wife to do? I know this is what Dave wants... who am I to say, really, if it is God's plan for us - it will work out smoothly, if not..." Not only did the sale and purchase not work out, but clearly our marriage wasn't working out either.
In hindsight, I have so much gratitude for everything, not the least of which is books and their authors. I was reading The Dance: Moving To the Rhythms of Your True Self, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer...
Sunday, August 4, 2002 Journal entry: I love that you came to me after my shower with two bottles of nail polish. One for my fingers and one for yours. :)
Aug 9th Dave left for Singapore, and therefore missed...
Aug 12, 2002 Your first day of 1st grade was also the beginning of my first semester at Meredith. First convocation was for the Summer Reading book: Ice Bound: A Doctor's Incredible Battle for Survival at the South Pole. I wrote in my journal that I gave her the wrapper from your string cheese because it had a joke on it and she read it to the entire group first thing!
July 9, 2002 “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” Rumi.
Wednesday July 10, 2002 Grammy took us to pick raspberries and blueberries!! gorgeous, delicious and wonderful fun!! Then swimming in Aunt Sue's pool with Matthew. Later we went into Watch Hill and you rode the carousel with your cousin Joey - we sure did pack in many things when we visited.
Thursday, July 11, 2002 Oh the joy of having such a magnificent travel companion! Everyone else went out early this morning and you slept until after 8 am so I had the opportunity to sit quietly and write. Later we got lobsters from "BriBri the lobster guy" and went for a walk on the the beach.
July 12, 2002 - Your first donut :) chose it from the breakfast bar at The Days Inn Mystic and liked it a lot but said "but messy - could I have some milk?"
July 13, 2002 - My 41st Birthday
Tuesday, July 16, 2002 8:30 am departure from Mystic Residence Inn
On the way home from that trip I listened to the CD I made for Dave for our anniversary - 13 tracks for t 13 years together. Track 1 for year 1 - 1989 - had to be Eternal Flame by the Bangles. That was our song, but it was not our destiny Track 2 - "He Talks to Me" by Lorrie Morgan. I remember listening to that on our boat that year (1990) and it was so important to me and now I realize how much I missed that when he stopped.... Track 3 "All I Have" by Beth Nielson Chapman reminds me of our wedding day 16 Aug 1991. Track 4 was fitting for the year we went back to RI/CT and sailed our boat back to VA. "True Companion" sadly, when I listen to it now, I don't think of us as true companion, I think of how desperately I wanted one....
Track 5 - Pavillon memories "It's in Every One of Us"
Track 6 - 1995 "The Power of Love" was honestly much more about being pregnant than being in love with Dave in that way" "The sound of your heart beating... sometimes I'm frightened, but I'm ready to learn about the power of love"
"Seeds" oh what can I say about "Seeds" by Kathy Mattea, 1996 and our transition to North Carolina...
"...and I 'm standing at a crossroads once again, I'm reminded we're all the same when we begin... but where we land is sometimes fertile soil, and sometimes sand. We're all just seeds in God's hands."
"Butterfly Kisses" is another beautiful song that I thought would have more of an impact on the healing of our family than it did. With new eyes, I see that is much too much to expect from a song, and what I really wanted was for him to know my heart. I thought I was spelling things out pretty clearly.
Especially with the next song. "I Love You" by Sarah McLachlan is an incredibly sad aching...
Track 12 was "Forever Young" included to commemorate his 50th Birthday.
The 13th, "Treat Me Like a Stranger" by Baillie and the Boys pretty much my last ditch effort :(
As I re-read my journal from that summer, I realized that it was while I was preparing to return to college that my ex decided it was time to put our house on Sarabande on the market because he wanted the house in Hadden Hall. I wrote: "What's a wife to do? I know this is what Dave wants... who am I to say, really, if it is God's plan for us - it will work out smoothly, if not..." Not only did the sale and purchase not work out, but clearly our marriage wasn't working out either.
In hindsight, I have so much gratitude for everything, not the least of which is books and their authors. I was reading The Dance: Moving To the Rhythms of Your True Self, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer...
Sunday, August 4, 2002 Journal entry: I love that you came to me after my shower with two bottles of nail polish. One for my fingers and one for yours. :)
Aug 9th Dave left for Singapore, and therefore missed...
Aug 12, 2002 Your first day of 1st grade was also the beginning of my first semester at Meredith. First convocation was for the Summer Reading book: Ice Bound: A Doctor's Incredible Battle for Survival at the South Pole. I wrote in my journal that I gave her the wrapper from your string cheese because it had a joke on it and she read it to the entire group first thing!
Sept 2002 – Reading Big Purple Mommy
Sept 3, 2002 - MY Mom & Dad's 47th Wedding Anniversary - juggling everything - the house being on the market, you in elementary school and me in college - again, but still I'm doing Character Education bulletin board for PTA and reading...
Wed 9/11/02 am you woke early "bad dream" I asked if the angels took it away and you said yes. I asked:
"What did they leave in your heart? "Courage"
Wed 9/11/02 pm me: "You make me proud."
youu: "You make me happy!"
1st loose tooth! :) 4:30 pm 9/12/02 while eating an apple "ouch!"
Wed September 18, 2002 “Good
Morning Perfect Mommy,” came your sing-song voice as you walked down the stairs toward me, smiling. You woke earlier, about 6 am, crying from bad dream. We snuggled for a little while and then decide to get
up and begin my day. My heart held that thought and feeling as I held my perfect child. Not because of anything we
did or didn’t do, but because God made us that way.
So how did we go from all that
to not wanting a kiss from me and in fact wiping it away when you got on the
bus angry because we got to the bus stop just as it
arrived. “That’s not fair!” Apparently you really wanted to play with the other
kids before going to school L
A few days later I asked: “What
would you like to do after school?” Your answer was something like: “I don’t
know yet – let’s just wait and see.” You are STILL (2021) trying to teach me the
importance of staying present in the now moment. Morning pages helped me
through this difficult time in my marriage. I have my notes about the struggles
with Dave and trying to suggest things we all could do together but he didn’t
want to do anything outside or that involved crowds and specifically not a
bookstore or library. One such note: “played
outside with the many, many caterpillars that are on our parsley again. We also
checked out the morning glories that have finally come into their vine. The
yard looks great this morning, if I do say so myself J It’s a great
temperature and I’d love to go back out and write, but we are watching Rudolph now.
Hmmm... I haven't read this in many year (You told me you feel like you just doesn’t fit in – not at school (no brothers or sisters like your friends have), not in our family (you don’t think you look like us). You said you get lonely for someone to play with... I've heard the sayings "one should never give birth to your child’s friends or playmates” and “your child needs a parent, not a friend” but I do want to be your friend and play with you AND be your Mom.
Hmmm... I haven't read this in many year (You told me you feel like you just doesn’t fit in – not at school (no brothers or sisters like your friends have), not in our family (you don’t think you look like us). You said you get lonely for someone to play with... I've heard the sayings "one should never give birth to your child’s friends or playmates” and “your child needs a parent, not a friend” but I do want to be your friend and play with you AND be your Mom.
9/24/02 – Lillan’s 12 step
Meditation tape: “ And I give thanks. And I give thanks. And I give thanks.”
First exam for English 111 –
Principles of Writing. Am I ready? I hope so. Let go. Let God.
Friday, Sept 27, 2002 – Mid term
exam went ok. I was bummed at first – I got a 70 C- on the grammar and that
surprised me and frustrated me. I know the right answers and yet I still need
to breathe and slow down… 
Somewhere in all the "stuff" I kept, I found these notes from 9/30/02 Monday afternoon/evening Watching Reading Rainbow, the featured book was Liang and the Magic Paintbrush. You said:
"I wish I had a magic paintbrush so I could paint on wings and feathers so I could fly."
"I could also draw a pony so I could ride it"
"I hope LeVar knows how to speak Chinese"
"You know what I would bring home that would be really outrageous? I would bring home a star, put it in my room for a huge night light."
"What I would like to take home that's really outrageous is a baby duck billed dinosaur."
October 1, 2002 - More than 12 years later - it is STILL heartbreaking to hear this song in the context of what was written in my journals... but at least now (Nov 6, 2014) I can finally forgive myself for trying so hard, for "failing", for waiting so long, for holding on so long, for letting go, for think I was less than or not "enough". This song was and is so incredibly poignant ... from the first words "Hold on. Hold on to your heart." to the last ... "this is gonna hurt like hell." Sarah McLachlan - Hold On
Journal entry: "stillness is what I crave right now. I love Josh Groban's voice "...deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak... can it be that you are my forever love and you are watching over me from up above... fly me up to where you are... I wish upon tonight to see you smile. A breath away's not far from where you are... and isn't faith believing all power can't be seen? As my heart holds you, just one beat away... fly me up to where you are beyond the distance star... if only for awhile to know you're there. A breath away's not far to where you are."
Now this feels like such a prayer for all that has happened since... we were both struggling during this time, and Mrs. Ward was a tough teacher. I wanted to pull you out of Baucom and get you into a Magnet school or Montessori, but without the support and help of your father, it was just too much. I asked what kind of school you would really like and you said: "Centers - all day. Math." In hindsight, Montessori might have been best, but ...
Oct 8, 2002 most recent book of Virtues favorite is "Moderation" - It is a book on tape you listen to before going to sleep. My journal entry for this evening was about how a "C" in Mrs. Ward's class for you was a great thing, especially 5 in a row! A whole week!!! But for me, from Dr. English, it felt crippling and I was looking forward to my research paper so that "I can have a foundation on which to build." :)
You have great BIG Dreams. You want to learn how to hang glide when you are 15. We saw 3 of them flying
over I40 on our way back from the beach yesterday (8/10/02) Apparently it took
a little while to add: You also want to
learn to play the harp and while I was waiting in line to register for Meredith
last fall, the person behind me – it turns out – is a Harpist (Tia Nelson).
Dear, sweet, child of mine, you continue to be my inspiration - everyday. You inspire me to know and speak my truth, how I feel and to press on regardless. You inspire me to try each day to do my best, to serve God, be myself and love you and Daddy fully." 10/4/02
Dear, sweet, child of mine, you continue to be my inspiration - everyday. You inspire me to know and speak my truth, how I feel and to press on regardless. You inspire me to try each day to do my best, to serve God, be myself and love you and Daddy fully." 10/4/02
November 2002
<-- Ritsa Mallous :)
Our Christmas Day 2002 was on Saturday the 21st because we traveled to Connecticut that year... You requested and eventually got Kendall, but not until we returned. In the meantime, there was a letter from Santa to that affect :) I still have it, somewhere, I'm sure. My favorite song this year? Sadly... "Standing Still" by Jewel
Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here ...Or am I standing still...
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