2006 The Space Between

January 1, 2006  We woke to snow at 46 Pawcatuck Avenue!! What a wonderful way to begin this year!  Building a snowman with Gram...

 and celebrating Joey's Birthday

Jan 2nd 2006 journal entry (adding here 29 Aug 23) : Here I am about to write "I am at peace about time" from the intro of Alexandra's new book, Time Alive, and you said: "tick, tock." I asked why and you said "because time is ticking," so I asked: "and why do I need to know that? "Because it is" You are one of my guides. I need only pay attention. Alexandra is a guide, Mom, Dad, the house and town in which I grew up... all guide posts... I know God has a Divine Plan for my life; that plan is now unfolding. " <-- Pavilion International July 1993

Friday, Jan 13th 2006 Dear God, Thank you for all the people who touch my life and whose lives I touch. Thank you for the peace in my heart that allows me to see more clearly each day. Amen.

You called this trip "Feast of Fools" because of the Andrew's fabulous performance in

Twelfth Night with Grammy, of course!

Making our gorgeous bowl at Get Fired up

Feb 25, 2006 New outlook on life with the realization that I need to surround myself with people who are passionate about life. People with whom I feel comfortable and alive! God wants us to enjoy life and have fun! If life is all about choices, then I choose to step out of God’s way and let Him have the reins. I feel excited and at peace at the same time when I think of what could be – but, I know I have to let it go and surrender to God’s will for my life.

“The space between the tears we cry

Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

The space between the wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain”

Dave Matthews Band

Our March visit to New England for Karen’s 50^th Birthday was yet another turning point and the song by Dave Matthews by, “The Space Between,” keeps coming to mind with all its honesty and angst. I sit down to write (school work) and you do pretty much the opposite and begin taking pictures of things you like all around Grammy and Grandpa’s house. Adorable!!

I love this picture of you on your 10th Birthday, taken just before your friends arrived. Reenactment of a screen from a Sponge Bob episode, "Band Geeks," in which he sings a powerful rendition of "Sweet Victory" originally by VanHalen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIWhyrTx0Fc

April 13^th 9”10pm 2006 homework involved cinquain – pronounced sincane.
1^st line: one word (title)
2^nd : 2 words that describe the first line
3ed: 3 action words about 2^nd line
4^th: four words that express a thought or feeling about the title
5^th: One word that means the same thing as the title.


We used a June B Jones chapter book, “Cheater Pants,” to help:

Pickle

Bumpy, lumpy

Crunching, muncing, lunching

Cucumber makin you pucker

Gherkin.

 Sunday evening, 4/02/06  Thank you, God, for the help that comes in so many forms. The peaceful environment created through fountain, flowers (wisteria in full bloom already) candles and a sense of peace, comfort, love and joy. 

Easter Sunday, April 16, 2006 ~ You set up a beautifully peace-filled area to do our nails on my bed and called it the "Easter Special". We had snacks of grapes, pretzels, goldfish, and craisins. You did a beautiful job on our nails and while they dried we watched TV. You wanted to read, but neither one of us could turn the pages with wet nails. :)

 I love you very much and I thank God constantly for your presence in my life. xo Mom

8 am April 17^th  I am happy with how I have spent this morning on a regular school day as opposed to a “teacher workday” that happened to fall on the Monday after Easter. On a regular school day we’d be scurrying around. Today I just did what I wanted and felt I needed to do for me, even though – or perhaps because – I am feeling a bit sad and tired.

Sat, April 22, 2006 The sweetness of your "Good morning Mommy" is surpassed by nothing!

 We snuggled for a little while, you went back to sleep and I go get my coffee and come back to read a short story by Kate Chopin called  "Lilacs". I do not like it and then read more of Alexandra Stoddard's Time Alive and love it! especially with you sleeping by my side just like when you were an infant and 1, and 2 and 3 and all the years in between then and now blend and merge and I realize this is peace, my joy, my time alive, my blessing from God.

Thu, 4 May 2006 I received this end of 4^th grade message from your teacher, Mrs. Campbell:   "Hi Jackie, I just read your email and wanted to let you know that I worked with her some more this morning, and ended up getting 14 out of 15 correct!!  gave a round of applause and an "I told you so," and much happier! I hope tonight goes well at home, Kim"

We went to the Aquarium, but it was so crowded, as you put it: “But! There are more people than fish!” So we went on to our next “appointment” 1:30 Elaine Mills for portrait sitting.

May 13, 2006

Monday, May 15^th 2006

I love watching you read on Grandpa’s couch and the sun come up after a week of grey and rain…and then on Tuesday, we headed back to NC and Science Safari class at 5:30 pm “Shell Collecting”. Did we really go directly to Science class. probably :)

May 23, 2006  As is too often the case, these last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I am so glad we went to CT for a week, even though it rained the entire time. I didn’t bring a journal, but I did bring and read a book by Elizabeth Berg, We Are All Welcome Here, and enjoyed it very much.

May 27, 2006 Even though our life has been turned upside down
We're still holding on :)

June 7, 2006

June 10, 2006   Beach trip!!! Yeah !! “Smacking the wave? Was that it? I love what you said about an “un-ignorable wave”. THIS is what life is about:  fresh air, ocean waves, peace of mind, friends (Chris and Kayla Teator), a good book, ice cold water to drink.

Celebrating the Summer Solstice by catching fireflies during the evening of June 20, 2006
 

And kissing our faces with the morning dew in the early am of June 21, 2006

Fourth of July, 2006, you spent with Dad, but invited me over to see fireworks with you, so of course I went. We had fun, even though there was much was going on between your father and me at the time. It irked me that he said it was the first time he lit his own fireworks since he was a kid. It makes me wonder, "why?" He had so much fun doing it. So sad ... reminded me of our sail to Block Island for 4th of July years ago... but the heart breaking part was when you asked if she could stay with me that night and I felt I had to back him up and say "no," even though I wanted you with me :(

July 8, 2006

An Artist After Bath

July 13, 2006  For my Birthday, I want a fresh, healthy start for us. Today I would like to go to work early and have fun with you there. [Before we fell asleep you said you want to make my lunch: PBJ w/goldfish for crunch like I like it.] I’ll begin with the sunrise and a cup of coffee. I choose joy!

I love that you so clearly noticed the irony of Elphaba saying (singing) “I’ll be so happy I could melt.” Wicked Soundtrack

Well, Happy Birthday to me! It doesn’t seem possible I am 45. I feel so much “younger”? Is that accurate? I feel like time is an illusion. I glance over at your school drawing of a self-portrait: 

I love your creative expressions, and our time together. 
Both are honest, playful, real, and fun!

July 22, 2006 We took another beach trip and it was during this trip that you said: "Mom, stop walking silly because I am trying to walk in your footsteps”   I’m trying baby, I really am…

 I want so much to stay on at Meredith and do what is right for me (a somewhat foreign concept in my life), but I feel I have been true to myself since first walking around on the campus about 10 years ago - I had to wait until you were in 1st grade to actually start taking classes. I also wanted to do what is right for you. Found this notation on one of my journals. you quoting Edna 'E' Mold from The Incredibles: "I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now."

Aug 2006 - Ready for Miss Inman's 5th Grade Class

August 16, 2006 Meredith Amphitheater:

Someone asked: "Who is that leaping through the library?" I smiled and thought, what a great title for another chapter of our book of life and love :)

Aug18th, passed belt test for TaeKwon Do that included breaking a board! Wahoo!!! 

 I love this beautiful silly human... Sat, Sept 2, 2006 "It's not that hard to figure out what the guy's thinkin' - she said about her father.

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 A classmate, Amy Lewis, shared this quote with me:

 "The cure for everything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" Isak Dinesen 

 So, story behind THIS picture?

Well, earlier in the day, you broke your arm when you fell over the short fence at Katelynn's.

However, we did not yet know it was broken. Check out the difference in size of her arms.

Next day, doctor visit, sling and ice cream. Unfortunately for you, it was your left arm, so she still had to go to school and do your school work, you just had to have someone help with things, Anna from Miss Inman's class. We took a "Physical Therapy" trip to Wrightsville with Anna and her Mom to help heal that arm:

Saturday , October 14, 2006

You weren't taking a walk on the beach with me at sunrise, it was pretty cold, but I did manage to get this shot that I called: "A New Day Dawns" with you holding my hand, so, all in all, worth the effort. Especially since we rescued this monarch butterfly from being trapped in wet sand:












 Sat, 28 Oct 2006 - AS I sat at my dining room table doing school work, you strolled by in a pink hat, a full black body suit, and stuffed animals hanging all over her - too funny. I kinda wish I  had jumped up and taken a picture, but for once I sat right where I was and just enjoyed it and typed this "journal entry" to myself so I would remember. Lately I've been dealing with my emotions "missed moments" and sadness over the divorce that my counselor at Meredith said is not so much grief over the loss of what was, but rather the realization of what wasn't. Our marriage was never really what I wanted it to be, or even what I thought it was, so my healing has to come from dealing with, accepting, and letting go of the illusion. Perfect example: you brought something to me last night that you thought was from your Dad to me and said it was "filled with love" - it was one of those "puff" shaped boxes with two sides instead of 4 and flaps on the end. The card said to Jackie and had a heart on it, and was signed "Deb" When I read it you grabbed it and threw it and said you were angry with him for not loving me anymore. I snuggled you and tried to reassure you that I wasn't angry with him and that I have many people in my life who do love me so it is really okay. I am okay. A little sad, but okay. Then we talked about how difficult it is for people who are unhappy to love others. We also talked about all the people who love her and the fact that she and I have something in common called "being happy" and most of all, it is NOT our job to make Daddy happy. He is going to have to figure out how to do that himself. 

You said he took you to a movie yesterday afternoon. He told you he was thinking of taking her to Bullwinkle's so I asked her if she was disappointed about not going there and she said a little. I know this is all really tough on you, but I really do think it is for the best over all. I can't even imagine having stayed married to him.

Message that went out to all Meredith College Employees from Jean Jackson : 
"Jacquelyn (Jackie) Manning, a 23+ student at Meredith College, has been asked to introduce Amy Sedaris at her book signing event this evening at Jones Auditorium. Congratulations Jackie! The employee's at Quail Ridge Book Store are expecting a full house for this event! Special thanks to Dr. Robin Colby for selecting Jackie and supporting Jackie's talents." 

Saturday Nov 4, 2006 Graduation Day is exactly 6 weeks from TODAY!!! Yeah!! SO I need to get all my school work done before then, including job search and interviews… Magnet Schools Fair…

Nov 12, 5:30 am I've deleted everything else I wrote except "... I can provide some kind of counter balance and snuggle with her whenever possible." Later - I am so glad you and I finally journey over to the greenway between Meredith and the Art Museum. Getting bikes into my car (and out again, andback in to come home) proved more difficult than I thought it would be, but it was all worth it to here you says: "wow, it's so tranquil".

While you were at her father's and I am finally done with school work, I watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the first time and LOVED it!!!! especially this quote: “The idea is I’m supposed to not fritter my talent away on little things, I’m supposed to be saving it for the big one." Another great quote from the movie: “It’s a beautiful typewriter. But of course, it writes nothing but sensitive intensely felt promising prose.” This picture of you seems to fit with that quote :)

Helping make Christmas cookies. Dec 10, 2006

Dec 16, 2006 We DID IT!! In fact, you wrote me this poem for graduation: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. College is over, done, finished, WE’RE through!!!”

We did it together and for that and so much more, I am eternally grateful.

Christmas morning contentment:

Christmas Day was about one month after our divorce was finalized, and just 9 days after my graduation from Meredith. Dave and I actually exchanged gifts. I gave him a photo album containing pictures of you from her birth through about age 3 or 4, and then a photo box full of more and finally a jump drive with all the digital pictures I’d taken. He said it was the best gift anyone had ever given him. He surprised me by giving me a Caribou coffee gift card and a pound of my favorite coffee, and by having dinner for the three of us ready when we got there at noon on Christmas day. I hadn't planned to, but of course I stayed for dinner and when I left, we hugged and kissed and said Merry Christmas to each other. You pulled me aside, upstairs, so she could tell me how happy she was that “two mortal enemies” could be nice to each other on Christmas Day. And you gave me a big hug and a kiss and thanked me. We don't have a picture of any of that - but I think this one sums it up nicely: kissing "Noel" your favorite "little red ornament".

Some of my favorite songs this season are rather melancholy, but I am sure that was at least in part because of all the down time I had when you were with her father and I had no more studying, reading or writing of papers:  "Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan

"River" sung by Robert Downey Jr. on the Ally McBeal Christmas CD.
 I was thrilled to find it on Sarah McLachlan's CD as well.
Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on....

There is another song on that same CD that I heard on a Gordon Lightfoot album YEARS ago called "Song for a Winter's Night" Great song! Sarah McLachlan's version was playing in the background at the end of a recent episode of Brothers & Sisters and it was so perfect!

It would take me a few more years to realize why I liked it so much. It reminded me of my first boyfriend, and the hope I still held in my heart for a love as pure and true.